I tend to surprise myself…

I really need to stop focusing on the bad and just roll with the good. I had a really good night. Julio came over, drank with me and we both had a great time.

I really had a turn around moment. I was hating the kid, ready to call it quits, and now I’m right back to where I was last Thursday, feelin’ him and back to thinking he may feel the same.

I can’t take things too seriously, so we will see

&& that’s all for now ;)

I am driving myself absolutely crazy.

I am so sick to my stomach right now it is insane. SOOOOO much shit went down this weekend it is so hard to explain.

Main point being, the kid seems to act like he doesn’t want anyone knowing about me and him talking. 

Evidence #1: Ducking out of a picture with me

Evidence #2: Making me leave the shake I brought him and he KNEW I was bringing to him on his car because he didn’t want me to come into his work.

I feel hella disrespected. He acts like its no big deal. He did apologize for everything, and making me feel that way.

He’s back on skout all the time now, didn’t respond to my texts. He is in a game though that started at 12:15.

I’ve decided I’m not inviting him to anything anymore, especially over. He has to take me out and plan something with me to see me.

I’m changing the rules and the game plan, and he’s gonna have to go with it or kick rocks.

that’s that.

To say I am currently vulnerable is an understatement.

This kid I’m talking to is mind fucking me.

He hates the mentality of everyone who lives here, the ‘I’m out to get mine so fuck everyone else’ mentality. This is pretty bad ass because he has a heart and I know he’s not getting at anyone else. This is also a part of what’s fucking me up

This kid has not had a relationship in three years. He’s 22. That means his last real relationship has not been since 18 or 19, and at that age you’re a baby. He doesn’t know what a mature relationship can be, at least I’m assuming this.

Third this kid FREAKED THE FUCK OUT on me on Saturday. Why would he get the idea that I’m fucking around with other dudes. This is a plus because I know that he’s a one girl kinda dude, but not the type to get wifed up. So in my head I’m thinking why the fuck should I only talk to this one kid when he’s not serious at all.

Another is he FREAKED when he learned my ex was 30. Yes, 30. It was a long time ago and he acted like a child/neanderthal the whole time. He make me hate myself and my body and I will never do that again.

Finally, this kid has not asked me out on another date. This is bothering me the most. He just wants to kick it at midnight but not take me out. That’s NOT ok with me.

So I’m fucked. Do I drop the kid and tell him to kick rocks out of no where without explanation? Do I tell the kid that I’m not looking for a hook up, but a realtionship and potentially scare him off? Or do I just roll through it to see what happens. It’s times like these that I wish I could know how things were going to turn out. I like the kid, but I don’t like the direction this is going.

Oh, and it’s his birthday.

&& That’s all for now.

Something amazing happened to me yesterday.

The day started off like any other Sunday, woke up tired as hell from the drunken night of partying and I figure out that I need to be somewhere at some time.

At 12:30 pm I’m headed to meet up with a guy from class real quick to get his notes to do an all day homework session.

We get there and we sit and pull out the books and we talk and learn business calc and it’s cool. I figured he’d let me copy them and go but we were having a good talk and I had no where to be.

PLUS I didn’t have my phone so I have no idea whatsoever what time it was.

He mentions forgetting his walet but he’s hungry so we swing by his house to grab it and come back to eat some bomb empanadas. We’re talking and shooting the shit when he shows me the BEST video ever. Whitest guys u know slow jerk. That shit was ridiculous. Then all of a sudden we hear the national anthem on the tvs over at the Britt and realize it’s 3pm and the game is starting. We sit for a bit longer to talk and I realize the place we were at was closed and we were just kickin it on their patio LOL.

Then he mentioned checking the score of the game and we head into the Britt. We sit and watch, commenting on the game and the commercials. We talk about EVERYTHING; life, future, past, movies, music,everything.

Next thing you know we’re watching the Giants kiss the trophy and the game is over. It’s now 7pm.

I laugh because my all day study session just died but I could completely care less. That day had to be the shortest day I’ve had in a long time, I could not believe it was already 7.

Then 7:30 rolls around and I figured I should get home to attempt some homework and to keep everyone from freaking out since I did tell Janeene I would be home in 20 minutes when I left the house at 12:30 LOL

Right before we leave the Britt I walk to the restroom and it hits me: He’s amazing and I never even realized it.

We were in the same class all last semester and we’d shoot the shit and talk on breaks but never really sat and had a full conversation. I never knew who he was or what he was all about until yesterday, and I realize that he’s my mr. perfect.

I got nervous and quiet walking to the car. My heart raced. I quickly decided I’m going to wait this feeling out and hugged him and headed home. 

The entire night I could not stop smiling. This morning he’s all I can think about. I was so distracted this morning I forgot my office key HAHAHA. My heart has been racing all day thinking about tonight’s class with him. I haven’t had this strong of a feeling for someone in a very long time.

I still cannot focus at work, all I want to do is head out to Mission College to get my day started. This guy is the first guy I’ve felt like I could truely see myself throwing down a label for in over six months.

I feel amazing and crazy nervous all at the same time, but I love it. We’ll see where life takes it…

&&& thanks for reading :)

Friday the 13th.

I am so fucking pissed at Michael. That little douchebag blocked me. Seriously, I thought I was more important to him than that. And he tried to say that I broke his relationship when I didn’t so shit. He can’t take responsibility for the fact that he is an asshole that can’t love, not my problem.

I knew he was ignoring me for a chick. I’m not an idiot.

Fuck him.

Funniest shit.

The kid is all shitty with me. I find that hilarious. I’m sorry, you act like you’re a chick and get mad at me when I blast you for it, really?

Bahahahahahahaha I love the reaction though, bitch shoulda just manned up and been straight forward with it. Shit cracks me up.

Oh tomorrow is going to be a great night ;)

So here is the thing…

It’s obvious there is nothing there with the kid, I’m not even thinking about that anymore. Obviously I am not his type, he’s not into it or something else, all of which I have heard and I don’t care which it is, I just know that he’s not down. So I have options

1. Be blatant and ask the kid wth is up

2. Ignore the situation and pretend like this is normal

3. Officially put this kid in the friend zone and keep him there

4. Drop him and nix the past week with the kid as a distant memory

Sadly I had a really good time with him. Four hours at a zoo felt like an hour and it never got boring. I just can obviously tell I am not attractive to him, which is cool because I shouldn’t have to change for anyone.

I learned a long time ago that I can only change for me, and anyone who requires change from me is not worth my time. The sad part is I was feeling this kid.

I truly think he met up with me because he wanted to get his sunglasses back.

Sad fact. All this will change if he actually comes down for the party on Friday. If that happeneds I will be so surprised and will not be saying he’s not attracted ever again.

I doubt it will happen though, I already know so I’m not getting my hopes up, not that it’s all that big of deal because I’m still in the “no bf” mode.

I thought this kid might change it, we’ll see…

I am borderline upset

I absolutely hate being blown off. That is one thing I am never ok with and will always put you on my shit list.

I have plans with the kid, then sadly they are cancelled due to weather, but I took all this time off to hang out, and he ‘doesn’t know what he’s doing’

I find this interesting. I’d like to know when I became a person who settled for living on someone’s back burner and as someone’s back up plan.

On a lighter thought…

I am looking to do so much in 2012, and it will all happen. I will make this happen and I don’t care if I have to work 80 hours a week, I will check off every thing on that list. I plan to live life to the fullest, enjoy every minute of it, and go at my dreams full speed ahead.

And I’m almost positive that all this cannot be achieved with someone in my life. I know that God has a plan, and with patience and goodwill great things will come because they are in store for me.

Cheers to 2012 :)

1. Pay off all debt (including car)

1. Save $10,000

3. Graduate with AA in business

4. Earn a teaching credential

5. Start education for RN licensing

6. Exercise 3x a week

7. Run a marathon!

8. Learn Spanish

9. Learn to sign

10. Get down to 140lbs and stay there

11. Sell 4 homes

12. Learn to stock trade

13. Read one business book a month

14. Get the laser hair removal I want 

let’s do it 2012 :)

I wonder why I overthink everything I do…

So apparently the consensus is the kid was intimidated, but I’m not buying it. He called me bud… hmm…

I wonder why I don’t care that much.

Honestly, tomorrow will be six months since Jack sent my ass packing on the train and told me that I am the one person he hopes he never ends up with, and that he would rather wait ten years to find a perfect girl than to be with me.

That bastard actually followed through and made the rack, I’m assuming its because he would rather never see me again. Of course that’s the reason.

I have not seen him since August. I think the sight of him would bring me to tears. I just feel so embarrassed and rejected for all my begging and crap. 

Now that I took that sad little stumble down memory lane… LMAO

I had never felt so unattractive to someone in my life. I am seriously confused by the last two days. I just felt awkward and like he felt like he had to be there because he said he would hang for the two days. I am just so confused by the whole thing. I still run it through my head, wondering wtf happened and then I chalk it up to I am way thicker than he remembers and he probably felt stuck and decided waiting it out is the best plan.

All of which I find typical. I’m just wondering why he would still suggest hanging out after the cancellation of the snowboarding. True I am pretty chill to hang with, which I assume is why, plus I have his sunglasses, which I guess he’s forced to at least come get them, but still strange.

I can’t believe I actually broke down the second day. I felt like I should have worn a huge fat girl sweatshirt to the bowling alley and a mask to cover my face. I hate this feeling I have. I was blind sided.

And although all these thoughts run through my head, I am oddly calm about it. I have come to a point in my life that I could truly care less. I thought about the hot tubing thing, and I was annoyed at first and weary, but then I thought about everything I have done and I laughed. Especially the circumstances the day I met the kid. It amazes me how much I have slipped.

I would have never thought all my morals would go by the way side. I truly wish I could take back the last 6 months. I do not wish I could take back breaking up with Jack, not at all, but I wish I could take back the mistake after mistake that came after. I am working on my morals, but in my mind I am not happy about being forced to follow them. I have never had that happen to me before. I don’t know how to take it.

I guess everyone needs to face rejection now and again.

Time to say hello to another long, lonely six months…

I am so confused

Marine came around, and we went out, went to the game, went to the drive ins, messed around a bit but overall I felt like I was in the friends zone.

I feel like this kid is down, but that was not the case and I’m really confused…

Now I feel like I’m in the friends zone and he had a horrible time. He says he had fun but I think he’s just being nice. Seriously though, I don’t even know if hes attracted to me.

I’m so confused, but not really trippin’ on it. I made the whole thing a bigger deal than it needed to be and it was a bit of a let down :/

Maybe that’s just because I really need some LOL

Maybe I’m just overanalyzing this

I’ll figure it out…

&& that’s all for now.

I hate playing games.

If you want to see me, see me.

If you want to hit me up, hit me up.

If you want to hang, lets hang.

Im so annoyed and irritated I want to just drop it.

I guess I’m not as laid back as I thought.

Fuck.

I dont hit dudes up, so if this kid stands a chance he better start putting on work because Ill just go on to the next one.

Time to work and out a smiler on my face… :/

Whats so fucking funny is that I actually thought this kid had an interest.

I got my hopes up in thinking he might take time to get to know me to see who I am.

I hate getting blown off. Hate it more than anything.

Michael is right, the kid is totally blowing me off, that’s a dude for you.

Time to say duces